Corey Johnson Denounces Doughnut Dismissal

Convicted killer Corey Johnson was executed by the US federal government last night. Johnson, a former drug trafficker, murdered seven people during his years as a violent felon.

During the recent spate of federal executions, details about last meals have been scarce. In fact, Johnson’s meal might have remained a mystery as well if he hadn’t taken the time to complain about it in his final statement to the press. After apologizing to his family and lamenting his crimes, Johnson turned his attention to his last meal.

“The pizza and strawberry shake were wonderful,” Johnson wrote, “but I didn’t get the jelly-filled donuts [I] ordered. What’s with that? This should be fixed.”

Johnson apparently got his just desserts figuratively, but not literally.

Kardashian Can't Cancel Controversial Killing of Brandon Bernard

Brandon Bernard was executed by the US federal government on Thursday for his role in a carjacking and double murder that took place in 2000. Bernard, who was 18 at the time, barely qualified for the death penalty after a guilty verdict was rendered by the jury.

Because Bernard was so young when the crime took place, plenty of people fought against his impending execution. Among them was Kim Kardashian, who petitioned her buddy President Trump to halt Bernard's lethal injection. The Supreme Court had the chance to stop the execution at the last minute, but they obviously decided this Bernard was no saint and gave the prison staff the green light to go ahead as planned.

For his last meal, Brandon Bernard had a meat lovers pizza and a brownie.

Bowles Blasts Bowels with Fast Food Feast

Gary Ray Bowles, a serial killer who preyed on older gay men, was executed by the state of Florida tonight. Bowles earned his death sentence for killing three men, but later admitted to killing three more. Some victims were strangled, others beaten and shot, and one had a 40-pound cement slab dropped on his head. Bowles also stuffed items down the throats of his victims, including toilet paper, leaves, dirt, rags, and even a sex toy.

For his last meal, Bowles stuffed three cheeseburgers, fries, and bacon down his own throat.

King Eats Like a Peasant

Convicted killer John William King was executed by the state of Texas tonight. King whole-heartedly earned his death sentence for his part in the murder of James Byrd Jr in 1998. Byrd was chained behind a truck and dragged several miles to his death.

Once upon a time, Texas allowed its death row inmates to pick their last meal from foods available in the prison kitchen at the time. There were no limits on the meals, other than the fact that the food needed to be items normally stocked in the prison pantry. Ironically, though, that tradition ended after the 2011 execution of John King's partner in crime, Lawrence Brewer. Prior to his execution for his part in Byrd's dragging death, Brewer ordered a huge last meal consisting of enough food to feed an army. Once the feast arrived, however, Brewer didn't eat one bite of it. Texas lawmakers were so angry that they did away with the last meal tradition then and there.

Because Texas no longer allows last meal requests, King was served the same food as others in his unit today. For his last meal, John King had spaghetti with beef sauce, a baked pork chop, steamed rice with brown gravy, mixed vegetables, green beans, corn, pinto beans, corn bread, garlic bread, and a choice of water, tea, or punch to drink.  

Clowning and Chaos at Coble Killing

Convicted murderer Billie Wayne Coble was executed by the state of Texas last night, but his lethal injection was far from ordinary.

Coble earned his death sentence for killing his in-laws and their son, a former police sergeant, during a days-long fight with his estranged wife regarding their impending divorce. 

Moments before his death, Coble joked with bystanders and said, "That'll be $5." But the mood in the witness area wasn't light at all as a fight broke out between Coble's relatives and others who were there to observe the execution. Coble's son and grandson were arrested after shouting obscenities and punching other members of the execution audience.

Because Texas no longer allows special last meal requests, Coble was given the same food as others in his unit. For his last meal, Coble was served scrambled eggs, oven-fried potatoes, biscuits, country gravy, mixed fruit, grape jelly, catsup, baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, sweet peas, pinto beans, and sliced bread, with a choice of water, tea, or punch to drink.

Braziel Whacked

Alvin Braziel Jr. was executed by the state of Texas tonight for a murder that took place in 1993. While a newlywed couple was walking on a jogging path, Braziel jumped out and tried to rob them. He ended up killing the husband and sexually assaulting the wife in a particularly braziel--er, that is, brazen--act of violence.

Because Texas no longer allows special last meal requests, Braziel was served the same food as others in his unit. For his last meal, Braziel had pepper steak, steamed rice with brown gravy, ranch style beans, cornbread, spaghetti with beef sauce, corn, pinto beans, and garlic toast, with a choice of water, tea, or punch to drink.