A Fruity Farewell for Michael Hooper

Convicted killer Michael Hooper was executed today for the viscous triple-murder of a mother and her two children. At first, Hooper's choice of a last meal seemed odd; he asked for cranberry juice, coffee, a small portion of blackberries, a small portion of cherries, strawberries, a peach, an apricot, a plum, a pear, an apple, a banana, and an orange.

Once we saw his mug shot, however, Hooper's scheme became crystal clear. The killer obviously planned to disguise himself as a grape and sneak out of the execution chamber when the uneaten portion of fruit was taken away. Thanks to sharp-eyed prison authorities, however, Hooper did indeed pay his debt to society.

Daniel Cook Ends Up Half Baked

Multiple-murderer Daniel Cook was executed by the state of Arizona today after spending 25 years on death row. After a night of binging on drugs and alcohol, Cook and an accomplice tortured and killed two young men. In the understatement of the year, Cook explained the crime this way: "We got to partying. Things got out of hand."

For his last meal, Cook requested eggplant lasagna, garlic cheese mash potatoes, roasted Brussels sprouts, broiled asparagus, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, and root beer.

Cook continued the half-baked theme as he spoke his last words prior to the execution. After apologizing to the families of his victims, Cook suddenly looked around the execution chamber and said "Where am I?" The answer quickly became clear as the lethal drugs performed their function.

Marvin Wilson: Heartless Killer or Financial Whiz?

Depending on who you ask, Marvin Wilson was either dumb as a rock or a brilliant entrepreneur. Wilson, a career criminal who was sentenced to death for killing a police informant, almost escaped his capital punishment by performing poorly on a state-issued IQ test. But others contend that Wilson was both smart and capable.

“Considering Wilson's drug-dealing, street-gambler, criminal lifestyle since an early age, he was obviously competent at managing money, and not having a 9-to-5 job is no critical failure,” said an assistant attorney general, who then commented on Wilson’s “inventiveness, drive, and leadership.”

After Wilson’s execution, the prison print shop started work on a series of motivational posters which will be placed in all cells immediately.

Because Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Marvin Wilson was served the same food as every other inmate. The daily dinner was chicken patties, but officials aren't sure if Wilson ate them or not.

No Dinner, No Cocktails for Yokamon Hearn

It's a shame that a man whose name was a hybrid of two beloved characters grew up to be such a hardened criminal, but that's exactly what happened. Yokamon Hearn, a killer with a police record that would put Darth Vader to shame, was executed tonight by the state of Texas after spending decades on death row.

Due to a shortage of one of the three drugs normally used, Texas no longer administers a lethal "cocktail" during the execution. The condemned is now given a massive dose of the single drug pentobarbital instead. This seems fitting in Texas, where the lack of a "cocktail" now joins the lack of a last meal choice. Since Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Hearn was served the same last meal as the other inmates that day. 


UPDATE: A spokesman from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice has confirmed that Yokamon chose not to eat a last meal.

Samuel's Spicy Supper

Convicted killer Samuel Lopez was executed by the state of Arizona today, over 25 years after he committed his capital crime. Lopez made headlines last October when his Dalai Lama outfit won first prize at the prison's annual "Convicts in Costume" Halloween ball, but not even His Holiness could've found harmony in Lopez's indigestion-inducing last meal.

Prior to his execution, Lopez dined on one red chili con carne, one green chili con carne, Spanish rice, one jalapeño, one avocado, cottage cheese, French fries, vanilla ice cream, pineapple, and a Coke.

Simmons Savors Super-Size Serving of Sauce

Gary Carl Simmons Jr. always had a saucy attitude; while serving time on Mississippi’s death row, the convicted killer was reprimanded for over 60 violations ranging from throwing hot water on prison staff to destroying state property and “not following sanitation regulations.”

Simmons carried that saucy reputation with him to the grave. Along with his last meal, he requested a whopping 80 ounces of ranch dressing, the equivalent of five full bottles. Since he didn’t ask for any salad, we can only assume he used the dressing as a dipping sauce for the rest of his massive meal, which included one Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza with double portions of mushrooms, onions, jalapeno peppers, and pepperoni; one pizza with regular portions of three cheeses, olives, bell peppers, tomatoes, garlic, and Italian sausage; 10 8-oz. packs of Parmesan cheese; one family-size bag of nacho cheese Doritos; 8 oz. jalapeno nacho cheese; 4 oz. sliced jalapenos; 2 large strawberry shakes; two 20-oz. cherry Cokes; one super-size order of McDonald's fries with extra ketchup and mayonnaise; and two pints of strawberry ice cream.