Thursday, August 24, 2017

Prejudiced Perp Pigs Out on Pork Products

Just like TGI Friday’s and other chain restaurants, the state of Florida has decided to end the summer with a zing by serving up a trendy new cocktail—except this one is available only to death row inmates. The state’s first customer was Mark Asay, who was executed today for the murders of two men that occurred during an evening of drinking, carousing, shooting pool, and trolling for prostitutes. Asay shot both men to death, one of whom was black and one of whom was of mixed race. Asay was pegged by law enforcement as a white supremacist, and was the first white killer ever to die in Florida for murdering a black victim.

Inside the execution chamber, Asay’s lethal cocktail began with a substance called etomidate, which sounds like a web site for singles but is actually an anesthetic. That drug, which is followed by a paralytic and a drug to stop the victim’s heart, replaces the hard-to-find midazolam, which sounds like one of those monsters who once fought Godzilla but is actually another anesthetic. Some critics claimed that etomidate’s safety had not been proven, but Florida countered with the claim that Asay was only at risk of suffering “mild to moderate pain” during the procedure.

Prior to the execution, vendors outside the prison blasted the Huey Lewis song “I Want a New Drug” while selling T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan You’ve Been Etomidated!

For his last meal, Mark Asay had fried pork chops, fried ham, French fries, vanilla swirl ice cream, and a can of Coke.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Lovely One-Room Cell Now Available in Texas

(Author's note: please forgive the tardiness of this post, as I've just returned from overseas)

Convicted killer TaiChin Preyor was executed on July 27 by the state of Texas for slashing a woman to death in 2004. The 24-year-old victim, believed to be Preyor's drug dealer, was attacked in her apartment during what was described as a drug-related robbery.

Preyor attempted to gain a last-minute appeal, claiming that the attorney who handled his earlier court cases was incompetent. That attorney, a real estate specialist from Beverly Hills, apparently learned about criminal law and death penalty cases by reading Wikipedia articles prior to defending her murderous client.

Texas no longer allows special last meal requests, so Preyor was served the same food as others in his unit. For his last meal, Preyor had chopped BBQ brisket, steamed rice, brown gravy, potato salad, cornbread, pinto beans, and sliced pickles, with a choice of tea, punch, or water to drink. 

Immediately after Preyor's execution, a mysterious real estate listing appeared on the web site run by the killer's former attorney. It advertised a "lovely one-room cell" with "stunning views of the razor-wire-fenced yard." The ad goes on to say that the cell comes "fully furnished, with an en suite toilet/sink combo." In addition to a down payment, prospective tenants must have a felony conviction in order to be pre-approved.