Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A Fruity Farewell for Michael Hooper

Convicted killer Michael Hooper was executed today for the viscous triple-murder of a mother and her two children. At first, Hooper's choice of a last meal seemed odd; he asked for cranberry juice, coffee, a small portion of blackberries, a small portion of cherries, strawberries, a peach, an apricot, a plum, a pear, an apple, a banana, and an orange.

Once we saw his mug shot, however, Hooper's scheme became crystal clear. The killer obviously planned to disguise himself as a grape and sneak out of the execution chamber when the uneaten portion of fruit was taken away. Thanks to sharp-eyed prison authorities, however, Hooper did indeed pay his debt to society.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Daniel Cook Ends Up Half Baked

Multiple-murderer Daniel Cook was executed by the state of Arizona today after spending 25 years on death row. After a night of binging on drugs and alcohol, Cook and an accomplice tortured and killed two young men. In the understatement of the year, Cook explained the crime this way: "We got to partying. Things got out of hand."

For his last meal, Cook requested eggplant lasagna, garlic cheese mash potatoes, roasted Brussels sprouts, broiled asparagus, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, and root beer.

Cook continued the half-baked theme as he spoke his last words prior to the execution. After apologizing to the families of his victims, Cook suddenly looked around the execution chamber and said "Where am I?" The answer quickly became clear as the lethal drugs performed their function.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Marvin Wilson: Heartless Killer or Financial Whiz?

Depending on who you ask, Marvin Wilson was either dumb as a rock or a brilliant entrepreneur. Wilson, a career criminal who was sentenced to death for killing a police informant, almost escaped his capital punishment by performing poorly on a state-issued IQ test. But others contend that Wilson was both smart and capable.

“Considering Wilson's drug-dealing, street-gambler, criminal lifestyle since an early age, he was obviously competent at managing money, and not having a 9-to-5 job is no critical failure,” said an assistant attorney general, who then commented on Wilson’s “inventiveness, drive, and leadership.”

After Wilson’s execution, the prison print shop started work on a series of motivational posters which will be placed in all cells immediately.

Because Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Marvin Wilson was served the same food as every other inmate. The daily dinner was chicken patties, but officials aren't sure if Wilson ate them or not.