Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Pardo Partakes of Pork, Plantains, & Pumpkin Pie

Manuel Pardo, a former policeman turned cold-blooded killer, was executed by the state of Florida tonight. Pardo was convicted of shooting nine people to death during a three-month rampage in 1986. All of the victims were thought to have ties to the drug business. Pardo claimed that he was doing the world a favor by murdering those he called “parasites,” but he also stole and used credit cards from his victims—a big no-no among self-righteous vigilantes.

During his trial, Pardo admitted that he enjoyed killing people and said he wished he had killed more. After his conviction, however, Pardo softened his persona and became known as a “Death Row Romeo” who became pen pals with dozens of women and persuaded many of them to send him money.

It’s easy to see how this deadly dreamboat gathered such a large flock of admirers. Ladies, try not to swoon as you gaze at his photograph. And to answer the question that’s racing through everyone’s mind right now—no, Brad Pitt did not have a long-lost twin brother.

For his last meal, Pardo ate roast pork, red beans, rice, plantains, avocados, and tomatoes drizzled with olive oil. He had pumpkin pie for dessert, and washed everything down with eggnog and Cuban coffee.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Stokley Has Steak, Then Gets Stuck

Richard Stokley, who earns the dubious honor of being labeled one of the "worst of the worst" for his part in the brutal deaths of two teenage girls in 1991, was executed this morning by the state of Arizona. Stokley requested the following last meal prior to his lethal injection: porterhouse steak, medium rare, with french fries; a salad of lettuce, cabbage, and cherry tomatoes; cauliflower; a wedge of cheddar cheese; a dinner roll or flaky biscuit; a large cream soda with ice; a red delicious apple, a peach, and a banana; and chocolate or Neapolitan ice cream.

Stokley had no last words. He had previously said, "I reckon I know how to die, and if it's my time, I'll go without fanfare."

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

George Ochoa Says, "I'll Have What He's Having."

I suppose death row inmates must find themselves strapped for good topics of conversation. Opening lines like "Seen any good movies lately?" or "So, you dating anybody?" just fall flat during prison chat sessions. But the folks on Oklahoma's death row must have been discussing last meals lately, because George Ochoa, who was executed tonight for his role in a double murder in 1993, ordered nearly the exact same last meal as his former cell block buddy Garry Thomas Allen, who was executed less than a month ago. Allen ordered a large meat lover's pizza and a Pepsi. Ochao ordered a large meat lover's pizza and a Coke.

Death row inmates in Oklahoma can only order food from local restaurants, with a spending limit of $15.

Oh, and the hosts of the fabled "Pepsi Challenge" taste test are keeping a careful tally of the results.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Hughes Confused, or Was it All a Ruse?

You’ve heard the expression “a stab in the dark”—meaning to take a wild guess? Well, that phrase applies perfectly to both the crime and the alibi of Preston Hughes, executed by the state of Texas tonight for killing a 3-year-old boy and his 15-year-old female cousin.

The way Hughes described it, he was walking through a vacant field one night when someone came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Hughes turned around, pulled a knife, and “just started sticking” whoever had tapped him, not even noticing that it was a teenage girl. Later on, Hughes changed his story and claimed that the girl walked up and said she wanted to borrow his contact lenses. When Hughes said he didn’t like that idea, the girl became sexually aggressive. Hughes then killed both her and the 3-year-old boy, who was her cousin.

During his trial Hughes went back to his “sticking” story, but claimed he hadn’t killed anybody. When prosecutors accused him of stabbing the two victims, Hughes said “I didn’t stab anybody. Stabbing and stuck is two different things.”

Tonight, Hughes himself was the one who got stuck—by a needle that delivered a lethal injection.

Since Texas no longer allows special last meals, Hughes was served the same food as the other inmates in his unit. His last meal was Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, and corn bread.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

No Close Shave for Ramon "Razor" Hernandez

Ramon Hernandez, whose nickname on the street was "Razor," was put to death by the state of Texas tonight. Some death row inmates get a last-minute stay, but the Supreme Court refused to review Hernandez's case and an appeal in the state court was rejected as well.

Hernandez was convicted of raping, robbing, and killing a woman in 2003, but he was suspected in at least four more similar crimes. Fortunately for the rest of society, this razor turned out to be disposable.

Because Texas no longer allows inmates to place special orders, Hernandez ate the same food as everyone else in his unit. For his last meal, he was served chicken patties, macaroni and cheese, carrots, corn, beans, and brownies.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Barbaric Brett Has Boutiful Banquet

Brett Hartman was executed by the state of Ohio this morning for a murder he committed in 1997. His female victim was stabbed 138 times, her throat was slit, and her hands were cut off. The hands were never found, by the way. Perhaps Hartman got confused during his attempt to leave no fingerprints at the scene.

Hartman ordered a last meal of steak with sauteed mushrooms, fried shrimp, macaroni and cheese, baked potato with butter and sour cream, Honey-Comb cereal with milk, vanilla ice cream with nuts, and Pepsi and Dr. Pepper to drink.

His last words were "I'm good. Let's roll."

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Murderous Mario Munches Mexican Meal

When somebody says, “Hey, that guy’s got potential,” it’s normally a good thing—but not when you’re talking about someone with the potential to become a serial killer.

That’s how a former district attorney described Mario Swain, who was executed tonight by the state of Texas for beating, stabbing, and strangling a woman to death during the course of a robbery in 2002. Before that fatal crime, Swain apparently had the habit of stalking women, hitting them with wrenches, and shooting them with stun guns. If he hadn’t been caught after his first murder, police are convinced that Swain would have killed even more victims in the future.

Since Texas no longer allows inmates to order special last meals, Swain was served the same food as other prisoners in his unit. His last meal included tacos, rice, corn, and mixed beans and greens, with punch, milk, tea, and water to drink. The Mexican-themed menu turned an ordinary lethal injection into a “Fiesta-cution.”

Muchos gracias to the very helpful public information team at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Oklahoma Performs Election Day "Elect-ecution"

Following closely on the heels of last week’s Halloween night “Exe-boo-tion” in Texas, a special Election Day “Elect-ecution” has just been carried out in Oklahoma. Garry Thomas Allen was given a lethal injection there tonight for shooting his fiancĂ© to death in 1986.

Allen has been up for execution several times before, and has always ordered a large meat lover’s pizza and a Pepsi as his last meal. In the spirit of Election Day, some people thought Allen might flip-flop on his last meal choice--but he didn't! It was pizza and Pepsi all the way.

Inmates in Oklahoma must order take-out food for their last meal, with a spending limit of $15.

When asked if he had any last words, Allen rambled incoherently for several minutes—once again keeping the night’s political theme alive—and he even mentioned Barack Obama and Mitt Romney several times. He ended his statement with the words, “What? Huh?” which some say mirrors the confusion of many voters this election season.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Texas Performs Halloween Exe-Boo-Tion

Donnie Lee Roberts was executed by the state of Texas tonight in what was heralded as a special Halloween "exe-boo-tion." Roberts was convicted of killing his ex-girlfriend then robbing her so he could buy crack cocaine. During the robbery, Roberts stole a TV, a truck, some jewelry, two guns, and tickets to a Houston Texans football game.

Roberts was allowed a brief amount of time to go "trick-or-treating" in the cell block prior to his lethal injection, but candy is apparently scarce in the Walls Unit. By the end of the evening, his trick or treat bag contained mostly bent cigarettes and a few homemade shanks.

Roberts continues this month's tradition of executing "lethal Lees." Bobby Lee Hines was executed in the Lone Star State just last week. 

Because Texas no longer allows special last meal requests, Roberts was given the same food as everyone else in the unit. 

November 2 - UPDATE - Donnie Lee's last meal is finally available! 

Even though the condemned inmate is only given dinner on their final day, the prison chef puts together two plates containing items from the full day's menu and serves them both at once. Roberts was served the following:

Plate #1: Baked chicken, mashed potatoes and brown gravy, mixed vegetables, mixed greens, northern beans, sliced bread, carrot cake

Plate #2: spiced beef roll, pinto beans, green beans, cornbread

He also received lemonade, punch, tea, and milk.

A big thank-you to the helpful folks at the Texas Department of Criminal Justice. 


Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Bearded Brute Binges on Breakfast

Convicted killer Donald Moeller—one of the “worst of the worst” in the death row universe—was executed tonight in South Dakota, 22 years after he committed his terrible crime. Moeller obviously believed that breakfast was the most important meal of the day, because he ordered it for his last meal ever. Moeller asked for scrambled eggs, link sausages, tater tots, and coffee.

Moeller, who tried to escape from jail at various times disguised as Rip Van Winkle, an Amish farmer, and a member of the rock band ZZ Top, gave one last-ditch effort on the day of his execution. Just prior to the lethal injection, Moeller put on a red suit, patted his round belly, and announced, “Well, I better head to the North Pole now. Christmas is only two months away and those toys aren’t going to make themselves!”

The prison staff wasn’t fooled, however, and justice was ultimately served.