Death Takes a Holiday

You know how sleepy you get after a big turkey dinner on Thanksgiving? Well, just imagine if you followed that up with a lethal injection!

Convicted killer Michael Lambrix took just such a permanent snoozefest courtesy of the state of Florida last night. Lambrix earned his death sentence for killing two people during a night of heavy drinking in 1983. One victim was choked while another was beaten with a tire iron, with all of the mayhem occurring during the course of a nice spaghetti dinner.

For his last meal, Lambrix chose a different type of dinner: a traditional Thanksgiving meal. He was given a turkey breast and drumstick, giblet gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes and brown sugar, mixed vegetables with butter, a soft dinner roll with honey and butter, pumpkin pie with whipped cream, chocolate milk and vanilla caramel gelato ice cream.

In an attempt to experience every holiday one last time before he died, Lambrix also asked for permission to paint Easter eggs, go trick or treating on his cell block, and hang a stocking at the end of the execution table. He also asked that the liquid drugs used for his lethal injection be dyed green in honor of St. Patrick's Day. These requests were denied. 

Fungi for a Not-So-Fun Guy

*Sorry for the late posting, fans: Hurricane Irma knocked out my power and Internet for nine days, so I'm just now getting back to business!*

Death row inmates tend to eschew vegetables when ordering their last meals. But an even more uncommon request is for that fungus among us, the humble mushroom. In fact, finding mushrooms on a last meal menu is about as rare as finding an honest man on death row. But Gary Otte bucked that trend last week by ordering a mushroom and Swiss burger as part of his last meal before he was executed by the state of Ohio. Otte didn't stop there, though; the cold-blooded killer who robbed and gunned down two people in 1992 also asked for the following:

- 1 slice of tomato & onion
- 3 sliced jalapeno poppers
- 1 double cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato
- 4 packets of Miracle Whip salad dressing
- 2 liter of orange Faygo or Pepsi soda
- 1 quart of Heath Bar ice cream
- 2 servings of mozzarella sticks
- 1 piece of banana cream pie
- 1 glazed donut
- 1 cream-filled donut

Prejudiced Perp Pigs Out on Pork Products

Just like TGI Friday’s and other chain restaurants, the state of Florida has decided to end the summer with a zing by serving up a trendy new cocktail—except this one is available only to death row inmates. The state’s first customer was Mark Asay, who was executed today for the murders of two men that occurred during an evening of drinking, carousing, shooting pool, and trolling for prostitutes. Asay shot both men to death, one of whom was black and one of whom was of mixed race. Asay was pegged by law enforcement as a white supremacist, and was the first white killer ever to die in Florida for murdering a black victim.

Inside the execution chamber, Asay’s lethal cocktail began with a substance called etomidate, which sounds like a web site for singles but is actually an anesthetic. That drug, which is followed by a paralytic and a drug to stop the victim’s heart, replaces the hard-to-find midazolam, which sounds like one of those monsters who once fought Godzilla but is actually another anesthetic. Some critics claimed that etomidate’s safety had not been proven, but Florida countered with the claim that Asay was only at risk of suffering “mild to moderate pain” during the procedure.

Prior to the execution, vendors outside the prison blasted the Huey Lewis song “I Want a New Drug” while selling T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan You’ve Been Etomidated!

For his last meal, Mark Asay had fried pork chops, fried ham, French fries, vanilla swirl ice cream, and a can of Coke.

Lovely One-Room Cell Now Available in Texas

(Author's note: please forgive the tardiness of this post, as I've just returned from overseas)

Convicted killer TaiChin Preyor was executed on July 27 by the state of Texas for slashing a woman to death in 2004. The 24-year-old victim, believed to be Preyor's drug dealer, was attacked in her apartment during what was described as a drug-related robbery.

Preyor attempted to gain a last-minute appeal, claiming that the attorney who handled his earlier court cases was incompetent. That attorney, a real estate specialist from Beverly Hills, apparently learned about criminal law and death penalty cases by reading Wikipedia articles prior to defending her murderous client.

Texas no longer allows special last meal requests, so Preyor was served the same food as others in his unit. For his last meal, Preyor had chopped BBQ brisket, steamed rice, brown gravy, potato salad, cornbread, pinto beans, and sliced pickles, with a choice of tea, punch, or water to drink. 

Immediately after Preyor's execution, a mysterious real estate listing appeared on the web site run by the killer's former attorney. It advertised a "lovely one-room cell" with "stunning views of the razor-wire-fenced yard." The ad goes on to say that the cell comes "fully furnished, with an en suite toilet/sink combo." In addition to a down payment, prospective tenants must have a felony conviction in order to be pre-approved.     
 

Pedophile Passes Up Petitioned Pizza

Today, the state of Ohio executed one of the worst of the worst, the lowest of the low, the filthiest of the filthy, when they served a lethal cocktail to convicted killer Ronald Phillips. Phillips earned his death sentence for the rape and murder of his girlfriend's three-year-old daughter in 1993.

For his last meal, Phillips ordered a pizza with mushrooms and peppers, a bottle of Pepsi, and strawberry cheesecake, along with grape juice and unleavened bread for a solo version of communion. Phillips reportedly sent back the pizza, however, and also turned down the "real last meal" breakfast he would have received before his mid-morning execution.  

Finding Nemo's Last Meal

Despite a flurry of protests, convicted killer William Morva was executed by the state of Virginia tonight. Morva earned his death sentence for killing a hospital security guard and a deputy after he escaped from jail while serving time for attempted robbery.

Most of the protests surrounding Morva’s execution were related to his questionable mental health. While incarcerated, Morva was diagnosed as having a personality disorder that manifested in “odd beliefs.” In Morva’s case, that meant going barefoot most of the time, eating pinecones and large quantities of raw meat, and professing that President George W. Bush was plotting his murder. Morva also renounced his legal name at one point, calling it a “slave name,” and went by the name of Nemo instead—although there are few similarities between Morva and the beloved cartoon fish.

As readers of our book already know, Virginia’s last meal tradition is one of the most disappointing in the nation. Inmates may only choose from food available in the prisoner kitchen at the time, and they may also choose to keep their last meal hidden from the press. We’re still trying to find “Nemo’s” last meal, so check back soon for updates! 

Separated at birth, or no similarity whatsoever? You make the call!