Dr. Seuss on the Loose—in Death Row

Visit your local bookstore and you'll find picture books that teach kids about sharing, and manners, and how to be "earth-friendly"--but where are the books about the dangers of becoming a murderer? Kids born with the "killer instinct" might be warned away from a life of crime if they learn about the pitfalls at a young age. With this in mind, we propose a series of educational crime-prevention books such as this one!

A Hallmark Moment for Paul Rhoades

Instead of ordering a special request for his last meal, convicted killer Paul Rhoades chose to eat the prison's "daily special" of hot dogs, sauerkraut, baked beans, veggie sticks with ranch dressing, and gelatin with fruit--although the prison chef did add strawberry ice cream as a special treat.

But here's the big surprise; in an unexpected gesture of convict camaraderie, the other death row inmates gave Rhoades a card which they had all signed. It made us wonder, though--what type of card would be appropriate for such an occasion? You can't exactly cross out "birthday" or "anniversary" and turn a standard card into an execution card.

The big greeting card companies might be losing sales by not producing cards for this unique niche market!

Here are two proposed designs. First, the sweet and sentimental card:

...and next, the funny, sarcastic card:

Guadalupe Esparza: No Morals, No Meal

Continuing the empty-stomach trend in Texas, convicted child killer Guadalupe Esparza ate nothing prior to his execution yesterday. Ever since Texas did away with special meal requests back in September, its condemned have chosen to meet the Grim Reaper with rumbling tummies instead of eating the "meal of the day" along with other inmates.

Oba Chandler Chooses Cheap Chow

Fans of our book already know that Florida serves one of the finest last meals in the USA. Prison cooks make a special trip to the grocery store, and the condemned can order whatever they want with a generous $40 spending limit. That means steak, lobster, shrimp, gourmet side dishes, fancy desserts...

Then why in the world did Oba Chandler, executed today for the triple rape/murder of a mother and her two daughters, order nothing but two salami sandwiches and one peanut butter and jelly sandwich, all washed down with a simple cup of coffee?

Was he afflicted with bland taste buds? A limited imagination? Or did some part of the phrase "You can order anything you want" cause his decision-making process to trip, stumble, and fall like an overweight clown slipping on a banana peel?

Only Oba knows...and he's not talking anymore.

Reginald Brooks Orders Old-School Last Meal

Those who follow last meals know that we've been in a lull lately; ever since Texas stripped away the special last meal privilege a few months ago, the condemned in all states have either been ordering small, bland, unmemorable last meals or simply refusing to eat anything at all.

Then along comes Reginald Brooks, sentenced to die for killing his own three sons. Before his execution in Ohio, Brooks ate a last meal of lasagna, garlic bread, beef jerky, chocolate cake, Moose Tracks ice cream, cashews, almonds, caramel candy, and root beer.

Yes, it looks like something a six-year-old might order. Yes, it's nutritionally lacking. Yes, it's heavy on the sugar. Yes, it's too much food in general. In other words, a fine example of a traditional death row last meal.

And in keeping with that "act like a six-year-old" theme, Brooks apparently spent his last few moments of life flipping off the execution witnesses and prison officials with a two-handed middle-finger salute. One report claims--and I kid you not--that Brooks's middle fingers remained extended even after he died.