Game Over for Robert Wayne Harris

A person's last words should be meaningful. Important. Something that strikes a chord with readers when that statement is reprinted in the evening paper. But not everyone seems to realizes this.

Some condemned men confess their guilt before their execution. Some quote Bible verses, or poetry, or apologize to the families of their victims. But a growing trend these days is to give a shout out to your favorite sports team just before the lethal injection takes effect. Robert Wayne Harris, executed today in Texas, was the latest to give his home team a verbal high-five.

"I'm going home. I'm going home," Harris said. "Don't worry about me. I'll be all right. God bless, and the Texas Rangers. Texas Rangers."

While the absence of a few key words left his final sentence grammatically incorrect, Harris's meaning was clear: Go Texas Rangers! (most likely the baseball team and not the law enforcement agency)

Since Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Harris was served the same meal as all the other inmates. He ate chicken patties, carrots, green beans, pinto beans, and mashed potatoes.

Palmer Pigs Out on Peasant-Style Potluck

Not many death row inmates can navigate a menu with the flair of a well-heeled socialite; even in states like Ohio, where the last meal choices are fairly generous, inmates still tend to gorge themselves on fast food or sugary sweets.

Donald Palmer continued that tradition today prior to his execution in the Buckeye State. Palmer, who was convicted of shooting two complete strangers to death in 1989, asked for the following last meal; chipped ham, Velveeta cheese, 12 ounces of mayonnaise, two sliced fresh tomatoes, one loaf of wheat bread, one bag of ranch flavored Doritos, two large bags of peanut M&Ms, one quart of hazelnut ice cream, one piece of plain cheesecake, and six 20-ounce bottles of Coke. He supposedly ate everything except for the M&Ms.

A Fruity Farewell for Michael Hooper

Convicted killer Michael Hooper was executed today for the viscous triple-murder of a mother and her two children. At first, Hooper's choice of a last meal seemed odd; he asked for cranberry juice, coffee, a small portion of blackberries, a small portion of cherries, strawberries, a peach, an apricot, a plum, a pear, an apple, a banana, and an orange.

Once we saw his mug shot, however, Hooper's scheme became crystal clear. The killer obviously planned to disguise himself as a grape and sneak out of the execution chamber when the uneaten portion of fruit was taken away. Thanks to sharp-eyed prison authorities, however, Hooper did indeed pay his debt to society.

Daniel Cook Ends Up Half Baked

Multiple-murderer Daniel Cook was executed by the state of Arizona today after spending 25 years on death row. After a night of binging on drugs and alcohol, Cook and an accomplice tortured and killed two young men. In the understatement of the year, Cook explained the crime this way: "We got to partying. Things got out of hand."

For his last meal, Cook requested eggplant lasagna, garlic cheese mash potatoes, roasted Brussels sprouts, broiled asparagus, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, and root beer.

Cook continued the half-baked theme as he spoke his last words prior to the execution. After apologizing to the families of his victims, Cook suddenly looked around the execution chamber and said "Where am I?" The answer quickly became clear as the lethal drugs performed their function.

Marvin Wilson: Heartless Killer or Financial Whiz?

Depending on who you ask, Marvin Wilson was either dumb as a rock or a brilliant entrepreneur. Wilson, a career criminal who was sentenced to death for killing a police informant, almost escaped his capital punishment by performing poorly on a state-issued IQ test. But others contend that Wilson was both smart and capable.

“Considering Wilson's drug-dealing, street-gambler, criminal lifestyle since an early age, he was obviously competent at managing money, and not having a 9-to-5 job is no critical failure,” said an assistant attorney general, who then commented on Wilson’s “inventiveness, drive, and leadership.”

After Wilson’s execution, the prison print shop started work on a series of motivational posters which will be placed in all cells immediately.

Because Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Marvin Wilson was served the same food as every other inmate. The daily dinner was chicken patties, but officials aren't sure if Wilson ate them or not.

No Dinner, No Cocktails for Yokamon Hearn

It's a shame that a man whose name was a hybrid of two beloved characters grew up to be such a hardened criminal, but that's exactly what happened. Yokamon Hearn, a killer with a police record that would put Darth Vader to shame, was executed tonight by the state of Texas after spending decades on death row.

Due to a shortage of one of the three drugs normally used, Texas no longer administers a lethal "cocktail" during the execution. The condemned is now given a massive dose of the single drug pentobarbital instead. This seems fitting in Texas, where the lack of a "cocktail" now joins the lack of a last meal choice. Since Texas did away with special last meal requests in 2011, Hearn was served the same last meal as the other inmates that day. 


UPDATE: A spokesman from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice has confirmed that Yokamon chose not to eat a last meal.